How to Write in Africa?

"Never put the image of a middle-class African on the cover of your book, or within, unless you have won a Nobel Prize. An AK-47, prominent ribs, bare breasts: uses these. If you must include an African, make sure you get one dressed in Zulu or Masai clothes.

In your text, Africa is like a single country. It's hot and dusty, full of rolling meadows and huge herds of animals with high people, thin, starving. It can also be hot and humid, with very small people who eat primates. Do not get bogged down with details and accurate descriptions. Africa is big: 54 countries 900 million people who are too busy starving, dying, warring and emigrating to read your book.

Make sure you show how Africans have music and rhythm deep-rooted in their souls, and eat things no other humans eat. Do not mention rice, beef or wheat; the monkey brain is preferred in African cuisine, with goat, the snake, worms, larvae and all kinds of game meat. In your text, shows how you were able to eat the meat without shudder and, course, describes how you learned to appreciate, because Africa you care.

Taboo Topics: ordinary scenes of daily life, love between Africans, reference to African writers or intellectuals, the mention of children going to school and not suffer or Ebola virus or female genital mutilation.

Among the characters can not miss the Hungry Africa, who wanders the refugee camp nearly naked, and waits for the benevolence of the West. Her children have flies around their eyes and swollen guts. Her breasts are flat and empty. It should appear as a woman completely helpless. There should be no past or history; these little diversions ruin the dramatic moment. The groans and complaints are good. You should never say anything about herself, except to discuss their (indescribable) suffering.

It also includes a lovely motherly woman who has an infectious laugh and cares about you. Just call her Mama. His children are all criminals.

These characters should hover around your main hero, serving for personal brilliance. Your hero can teach, bathing, feed; piggybacking loads of kids and has seen about Death.

Among those who do evil role of Westerners, includes Tory cabinet ministers, the Afrikaner and World Bank staff. When you speak of the exploitation of Africa by foreigners, mention the Chinese and Indian traders. Blame the West for Africa's situation but do not be too specific.

Speaking generalizing is good. Prevents African characters laugh, or struggle to educate their children. Or better, just avoid worldly circumstances represent. African characters should be colorful, exotic, larger than life, but empty inside, without dialogue, no conflicts or resolutions in their stories, no depth or quirks to confuse the cause.

Describe in detail the naked breasts (young, aged, recently violated, large, small) or genitals mutilated. Or any kind of genitals. And corpses. The, best, naked bodies. Especially, naked corpses rotting.

Remember: any work in which people appear filthy and miserable will be praised as the "real Africa", and that is precisely what you want to put on the back cover of your book. Do not be upset by this: 're trying to help them get aid from the West.

When writing about the plight of flora and fauna, mention that Africa is overpopulated. Instead, when your main character is in a desert or jungle living with indigenous, is allowed to mention that Africa has been severely depopulated by the wars and AIDS (capitalizes).

To be ending, always need a nightclub called Tropicana, where mercenaries, evil nouveau riche Africans, prostitutes, guerrillas and expats hang out together at night.

Finish your book always quoting Nelson Mandela saying something about rainbows and rebirths. Because you care about Africa».